I can’t think of anything more that could improve my life. I’m extremely lonely, depressed and can’t ask anyone for help because I’m scared.
This text is probably going to be messy and all over the place because English isn’t my native language. For about 3 years I’ve had social anxiety, possibly some sort of bipolar and I not a single friend other than my family. I’ve tried improving my life multiple times but it never worked. Usually I think I’ve figured out what it is I need I get extremely energized and optimistic but after a while I just realized it doesn’t work. Now I don’t believe there’s anything more to try or at least that’s worth trying. When I became depressed last time I tried deluding myself into thinking everything is actually great and I’m going to fix every problem in the world by spreading www.thevenusproject.com . I was so scared to face the thought that there might just not be any purpose to anything that I convinced myself I’m going to solve every problem in the world. I wrote for hours in iPhone notes about how we need to make it illegal to lie and build robots that create the means of production and give it out to all humans equally. Back in my head I knew it was crazy but I just told myself that was my anxiety and not the real me trying to stop me. I knew even then that there was no purpose of living in today’s world but I tried tricking myself into ignoring that by telling myself all problems could be solved. But they obviously can’t. Humans are the gods of their own universe. They’re the ones that directly and indirectly cause everything that happens in the world but despite that they’ve created 2 world wars, poverty and a culture that judges people based on tribally rather than objective facts. How the fuck would it be possible to make a species like that unite behind all working to achieve something like the Venus Project? It isn’t. Life is always going to be the constant torture where everything everyone does indirectly leads to death. The one small thing I can do about it is donating all my money to charity and then killing myself.
I get that my family will be sad when I go but that just doesn’t matter because nothing matters. Even if every problem in the world was solved so what? That would just mean humanity no longer has anything to strive towards. That would just make things even worse than it already is. I’m completely convinced everyone knows that everything is pointless and everyone should just kill themselves but they’re just scared to face it. I mean just ask yourself what the point of anything is. You can’t answer that. It’s like a broken car. It has all the things in it, all aligned perfectly but it never goes anywhere. Maybe we will eventually figure out a meaning to life, but definitely not in any of our lifetimes. So what’s the point then? If there is a life after death why don’t just kill ourself now instead of painfully waiting for decades for an answer we know we won’t see? And if there is no afterlife then at least that’s better than this torture.