I am sick as fuck of feeling so empty. It comes in waves, I’ll feel great for a week or two, and then I feel like someone is constantly just standing on my chest for a week, and then it goes away. I can never pinpoint exactly what my problem is, my girlfriend asks me what’s wrong and the only explanation is “I’m having a bad day”. I’ve never been suicidal, I’ve had intrusive thoughts as long as I can remember, but who doesn’t? I distance myself from everyone and build a wall around myself for periods of time with no good explanation as to why I’m doing it.
I’ve been a terrible friend for the last year, mainly because I feel like I have nobody to talk to. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to see anyone. I want to come home from work, and just stare at the wall in silence. My girlfriend really does try her hardest to help me, or to talk through these depressive episodes with me, but there’s no words to describe why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. One person can only take so much, and it’s ridiculously unfair for me to put her into this position. She’s not my caretaker, I’m a grown man. She’s a grown woman, she doesn’t need this along with her own problems on her shoulders.
I’ve had the hardest time just coming to grips with who I’m turning into. It’s easy enough to put on a front at work, act fine, go through the motions and go home. But when I get home, that’s the end of it. I can rarely keep it together. I’ve always been the type of guy who doesn’t need any support, I’ve never needed someone to push me to reach any sort of potential. I’ve been carefree for as long as I can remember, up until this past year. I have no desire to push myself at work, I’m having a hard time getting up in the morning anymore. I haven’t been to the gym in months.
I’m working on myself every day. It doesn’t seem like much, it’s probably not even noticeable to anyone else. But I know that at the end of the day I’m still hanging in there, and I guess that’s what matters most.