I’ve been struggling for years and have no idea what’s wrong with me! (Depression, mania, anxiety, impulses)
Trigger warnings: self harm, sexual assault
I know that reddit isn’t the place for proper diagnosis or counselling however I need some sort of comfort that I’m not completely crazy and the feelings I have and my behaviour are somewhat valid.
Basically I’ve been struggling for many years as what I can only describe as an incredibly intense impulses. Whether these impulses are merely emotional, academic, creative or social, it seems as though I have a horrible talent of running into things like a headless chicken. I find these impulses to be especially present in relationships, however, and I find myself becoming easily infatuated with people, obsessing over them, then ruining any sort of chance I have at a trustworthy relationship with them. My relationships are often situated around sex, either a lack of or an intense presence of it, and I feel as though many people view me as a sexualised person. Although, it’s somewhat odd as I struggled after being raped and sexually assaulted by a boyfriend as a young teenager- something that seemingly sparked all of these problems. When these relationships break down at my own doing I immaturely over defend myself and fly off the handle to the point where I feel not only like my partner’s enemy but my own. And yet I can’t not destroy everything and dig myself into the ground.
When a partner has done something wrong, however, I quickly succumb to whatever negative thing they say about me and feel incredibly embarrassed due to my emotions just in case they thought my response was “crazy”.
I thought that I had gotten over my more violent tendencies toward myself but recently I’ve been thinking more and more about suicide and desiring to go back to self harm. I feel strong enough right now to avoid it but sometimes I get frightened that I won’t be able to control myself like I can’t my anger sometimes.
To add to these quite horrific thoughts I often convince myself that something awful is going to happen to me, particularly when I’m trying to sleep, resulting in awful insomnia, anxiety and incessant routine in terms of checking the corners of my room and under my bed. Everything is overblown and unnecessary.
I’m completely fed up of going through such uncontrollable mood swings and discarding people, ideas and interests to try to satisfy my impossible needs. I’m also fed up of feeling scared of myself and the world all the time, and people viewing me as some immature little girl because I can’t properly handle my emotions. I’m 18 and I’m still acting much like a frightened child.