Trigger Warning: Mental and sexual abuse.
My ex husband was controlling. He controlled how I dressed, how I wore my hair, what I did after work, what I did with my future, my money. He even controlled my emotions. As he drove me home from the hospital when I was told I had suffered a miscarriage, he yelled at me and told me I was not allowed to cry.
So I took control. I finally built the courage to leave and divorce him.
When I finally gained control of my life, it was robbed from me once again. When I was serving in the Army, I was sexually assaulted. I had lost all of my control. I was spiraling down the black hole of depression.
I took control and I gained the courage to report the soldiers who raped me.
This control was robbed from me. I was retaliated against by my own superiors for reporting. I was harassed and treated wrong for reporting and taking control. (Sexual harassment and assault are serious issues in the Army, something that is not brought to the public eye enough.)
I am finally in control. I have been attending therapy for my PTSD. I have identified my issue with control. I’m afraid to lose control but also to be in control. I’m identifying all of the little things I do on a daily basis to remain in control. This little realization has been life changing, I need to be in control. I have to be the driver of the car, never the passenger. I have to be in control during intimacy. I dread being told what to do. I dread obligations that anyone else makes (family events, birthday parties, casual plans with friends, etc)
I’m not sure if my control problem will ever change but it feels monumental to have idetified it.
This realization also makes me wonder if there are reasons that other people like to be in control.