I started going to therapy at the beginning of this year. I was struggling with depression, I felt like all my emotions have vanished and I was living my life barely conscious, in a dissociative state. As we were making progress, my therapist suggested that I should find something to endeavor. I was volunteering at a local shelter back then and I felt like I really wanted a dog. That was the first time I actually wanted something in a very long time and my therapist encouraged me to go with it. Everyone besides my boyfriend told me it was a great idea. My therapist was asking me to picture me playing with the dog, my friends were all convincing me to do it and one of them even told me that adopting a dog actually saved their life when they were feeling suicidal. So I convinced my boyfriend and we did it. My two cats were not happy about it, but everyone at the shelter and all my pet-loving friends were telling me they will all eventually get along. They didn’t. It was only worse and worse in every possible way.
My cats that I love more than anything in the world barely even leave the bathroom anymore (the only place they can avoid the dog). I miss cuddling with them so so much and I feel guilty for making their lives miserable. I can’t have guests over at my place because he has a habit of suddenly and viciously attacking people’s feet. He also do that to my boyfriend from time to time. I feel guilty for making his life harder as well. I can’t leave the house for too long because then the dog will defecate all over the house. Every time the dog barks I have a panick attack. And he barks a lot. I am now more lonely than ever and the stress of it all is so unbearable I cannot function. I quitted therapy and stopped taking medications. I think about killing myself more and more often.
And I was consulting already with three different dog behaviorist, I was going to training with him, I was patient and persistent and I was trying every trick in a book. And somehow it feels like it’s getting worse.
And the worst part is I couldn’t ever possibly give him away. I already love him too much and I start crying even picturing him back at the shelter. And also I don’t think I would find someone trustworthy who would like to take care of a dog with so many problems.
I feel trapped. I don’t see how it could possibly turn out for the better. My life is a constant unbearable struggle, my relationship is falling apart, I lost my will to live. I’m hopeless.