I don’t know what to do anymore, if I’m honest. I’m in college and my depression was so bad last semester that I nearly failed out of school (one F away from being suspended, but was instead put on Academic Warning). I messed up last semester. Messed up my grades, messed up my relationships with my friends, and messed up my health. I was in a really bad place, and I thought I was doing better, but now it’s back again. How am I supposed to tell people that I’m relapsing when not too long ago I was telling them that I’m doing great?
This time around it seems that doing work helps numb it, unlike last time, so I just spend hours studying and doing homework. My grades are good this semester, but emotionally I’m declining. I was with my friends today and I just didn’t feel happy. They’re great people but I don’t feel like I can talk to them. I don’t think they’d mind, but it’s not their job to listen to me, and i know stuff like this can get annoying after a while, so I’m trying to deal with it by myself.
I’m just tired of feeling like this. I’m really trying. Like I got new medication and I’m doing counseling and I’m praying and I’m exercising and I’m trying. I want to grow and be a better person – growth is important to me. I want to be the kind of person I would want to be friends with, but now I’m falling back into where I was before. I’m sorry to all the friends that I’m about to annoy or let down. I hate that I can’t fix this.