I just spent half the period venting onto a sheet of paper, about how much I hate myself, because I can’t take it anymore. I feel like an empty shell of a half assed attempt at something vaguely resembling a sorry excuse for a human being. And I hate myself for it.
This is going to be long but shortened down version there’s plenty of content over all the years but that would take days…
My father served in the military for years and was very high up in rank. He suffered from PTSD yet still kept going to Afghanistan during his final active years and even after as contract work. Once he returned in about 2011 his mental health started to decline drastically. He constantly thinks someone is trying to harm him by zapping him or gas.
Fast forward about 5 years and my parents divorced. My father wouldn’t (still won’t) sleep at night, he’d constantly check the vents in the house/air quality, he’d check on my mom through out the night asking her to get up to make sure she was breathing well as well as my brother who lived with them still at the time, he asked my mom to drive somewhere far away during the day so he can sleep in the back seat for a bit, he had camera’s installed all around the house, he bought a thermographic camera (infrared camera) to detect if anyone is between the walls, and he wouldn’t ever sleep. He constantly watched the surveillance cameras even on top of a full-time mindless job.
What tipped off the divorce was mainly all the stress this has on my mom. Everything he bought was costing more and more. My father holds a simple hourly job on top of his retirement. Yet my father is extremely educated, he has a few masters from top colleges (always had a 4.0 too). My mother has never had a job, they married young. On top of this she suffers from depression (has had plenty of suicidal thoughts that I’ve had to talk her out of), anorexia on and off, arthritis, and Parkinson’s. Right before the divorce my father swore he saw someone on the roof of the house, my mom calls the cops, they come and there’s no evidence of someone being up there, they took my dad in for a physiological evaluation, and he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia then released. My dad thinks he’s perfectly fine and refused to get any help. Even before the divorce my father and mother went to couples counseling for years and nothing came of it. My father wouldn’t/won’t go alone.
After the divorce my mother went and lived with her non-biological mother for a year (she was adopted at a young age). This didn’t help anything because my mother was sexually abused growing up by her mother’s ex-husband which her mother still claims she knew nothing about it to this day. So being in that house only put her in a worse place mentally. I insisted she live with me at the time (and to this day) and she won’t take me up on it long term.
Fast forward another year and my mother did end up moving in with me for about 3 months. Yet I just recently married and she kept feeling like she was a burden to us even though we’ve both told her how much we loved having her there/with us. She ended up moving back in with my father to take care of him. She does house work for him, makes his meals, and has fallen back into the routine of survival mode. My father has been through a few apartments (flooded one), a rental, and now he bought another home. He just bought and installed an underground bunker for the backyard (sometimes he’ll sleep out there now), he has tinfoil within the whole laundry room, same camera’s all around, and the infrared cameras. He never picks up anything on these outside the dog or other little animals yet he is still convinced someone is after him. If my mom is ever sick he thinks ‘they’ got her or if any of us are hurt or sick that he notices he’ll think ‘they’ got us.
I keep trying to help my mom with his diet and her own diet. I encourage him to stay active. He wants to actually start doing yoga which I think will be great for his mind. When he’s out and about with me or my husband he’s perfectly fine. He laughs, he carries on conversation (he never mentions what’s going on at home), he’s happy, and he’s my dad again. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think my dad knows that I know everything that’s going on at home – I get all my information and pictures from my mom. We can’t force him to take drugs or anything because he’s not harming himself or others. I wish he’d stick to a stricter diet yet he doesn’t. Text from my mom are so up and down day in and day out. One day she can’t walk because she had to sleep on the floor for a few hours and others she’s happy about a display at a store.
I just want both my parents to find peace and to be happy. My mom loves my dad and I know my dad loves her. It’s getting harder and harder to get my dad out of the house/out of his routine. Luckily with my husband he doesn’t want to let him down so he’s more than willing to get out for him but I feel that will eventually fade. My dad doesn’t want me to come over, he’d rather us meet at a coffee shop nearby.
They have both literally lost everything to these mental illnesses and disorders. I don’t know how to help them anymore or what to do. I do want children in the near future if we’re lucky enough and I’d like them to see/grow up with my parents around in a healthy way.
If there are any psychiatrist out there that read this please let me know your thoughts.
We are now opening submissions for our new project Annual Echo, a space to share and recognize the unique experiences of those impacted by past trauma.
The aim of this collection is to de-stigmatize the challenges associated with trauma through the power of storytelling and art. The name ‘Annual Echo’ is inspired by the variety of ways we do or do not acknowledge anniversaries of these experiences. Whether we chose to grieve, embrace change, or simply celebrate growth—these days mean something different to us all.
We want to know what these days mean to you.
**If you would like to share how you spend your trauma anniversary, in any form (art, poetry, short stories, screenshots from your iPhone notes, etc.), email submissions to [firstname.lastname@example.org](mailto:email@example.com)
How do you not get depressed when trying to find the right meds? My first psych diagnosed me with BP NOS and put me on a variety of intense meds. Those meds made me better in some aspects but worse in others. I did a few med changes and didn’t improve.
Second psych doesn’t think I’m BP (neither does my counselor). Diagnosed me with GAD and depression. SSRIs dont work for my anxiety. I tried klonopin and felt horrible. Been on Buspar about a week and am waiting for it to kick in.
My anxiety is so high. I’ve been trying to avoid self medicating with booze but it’s hard when the meds aren’t helping. I know I haven’t had a long journey or tried as many meds as some people. But I’ve been trying to find relief. And am just growing very tired and hopeless.
How do you all stay motivated to keep trying?
Thanks for listening.
We often have small fights, nothing big, but to her she has to take that next step to feel powerful. (She mentions how she always wants to be the more powerful dominant person in her life. She has some god complex.) I’ve been a depressed person for years, I’ve attempted multiple times, and she uses that every time she argues with me. She says things to push me to the edge, that the world will be better without me, that no one can stand me. she often mentions my last attempt, they heard me choking in the next room but my sisters didn’t want to get up or talk to me, when they found me, she didn’t touch me, my other sister and the paramedics were the only people to lay a hand on me. Yet she calls herself my hero. Tells me “I should’ve left you to choke.”. I know sisters can be mean, I know they can say things they don’t mean, trust me, I have 7 more. This one is the only one to go the extra mile for no reason. Her comments build up in my brain and I hate to admit it, most of the scars on my arms were because some nights I couldn’t handle being told I’m not wanted alive. I’ve only used my arm for attempts.
He’s one of the few people in my life currently that care, and it’s not that he really cares, but he does… If that makes sense. I’m open about my mental health issues in my workplace – it makes it easy only being 3 of us – so they’re aware that I’m struggling and that I’m also going to counseling. It was nice of him to ask and nice to respond with, “I could be doing better.” It’s a relief to know I don’t have to put in a facade here.
I hope you’re all doing well.
I am 20 and have depression and anxiety with a moderate case of memory and attention loss. I am looking for help in identifying a condition I have that none of the psychotherapists, psychiatrists, and neurologists have been able to figure out. First let me say that my psychiatrist has determined I have treatment resistant depression. Medication and therapy are ineffective. I want to know if anyone has experience with or knows if there’s a name to a condition I have where for days or weeks at a time my ability to learn and remember are severely impacted but barely working. Then for days or weeks at a time I lose all motivation, my memory and attention are almost completely gone and don’t work, and I forget large amounts of information in a short period of time to the point where having conversations is difficult and frustrating because I space out and forget what we are talking about mid conversation several times. My MRI brain scan shows nothing abnormal. The mental health professionals seeing me right now are asking their colleagues for help but they are at a loss too.
My alcoholic mom wanted to come to my graduation. We hadn’t spoken since she texted me threatening to kill herself the Christmas Eve before, so out of anger there “weren’t enough tickets”. A week later I found out that she had overdosed alone in her apartment on alcohol and took too much of her prescription meds.
After hearing the news of her death my dad called his narcissistic girlfriend and told her with my boyfriend in the car. My boyfriend heard her through the phone say “well you’re still coming to dinner, right? She should be with that side of the family anyways”. My dad told me the news and left a half an hour later to eat dinner with this woman who had psychologically abused me for years.
He is still with her. She has told me that “I don’t have the guts to kill myself” when I was suicidal and that I was the “anti-Christ” for not being able to control the intrusive thoughts that come with OCD. She’d punish me for having too many intrusive thoughts and alienate me from my father and her children. She even called my local church to try to get me to have an exorcism. An exorcism in 2016, as if.
Trying to communicate how much him being with her hurts me is something I’ve tried to get him to understand in every way, shape, and form I can think of. He’s damaged by this relationship and her narcissism, and is too stifled on the idea that men don’t “need” therapy. Every time I mention how good it would be for him he turns it into a joke.
I feel like I’m losing the only parent I have left.
TL/DR: My dad is still dating a woman who is abusive, how should I get him to start seeing a therapist?
I feel like I’m faking my depression. My last three days were a lot better, I am more productive, but i still have problems with feeling emotions or caring about anything. I somehow feel like I’m okay, healthy and I want to quit my therapy. I’m was also planning to go to a psychiatrist, but since I have these better days, I don’t really feel like it. What should I do?