I slept for 1 hour tonight, 2 hours yesterday, 5 hours on Wednesday, 2 hours on Tuesday and 5 hours on Monday. I feel like I can’t breathe anymore or even feel tiredness. I’ve tried everything. Meditation, taking a warm bath, reading boring things, exercising. Even taking melatonin. My anxiety is too high and not even my medication will help. I don’t know what else to do.
This summer I decided to get a job, and after a month in I only found a place as helping hand of a supervisor at a factory.
The problem wasn’t the job at all, I liked what I did and my supervisor was a sweetheart. The problem was that the job is at the village my mother grew up in. ( she had gone to the city and built herself a life there, where I grew up).
I hated coming to visit so much, my grandma was an ashole, all of the kids would insult me and throw firecrackers at me, they terrified me. And the thing that I hated the most was teens insulting me on the street. They would come with their bikes, scream something hurtful while biking, then turn around and come back to do the same. After that happened twice I stopped going out at all. Just kept inside my grandmas home and watch TV until we went back to the city with my mother.
Now, it’s been a while since I had been there, and I’ve grown up so i went to work there anyways. I really thought all of that had stopped, so I went out with my cousin when i was free.
But no. While walking to work at six in the morning, three 30 year olds started walking behind me and screaming. They where indeed, screaming at me, a lot of hurtful things and all I could think is “no way this is happening again”,I just walked faster and at some point one of my mothers friend asked me if they where screaming at me and if that was why I was crying, but I just told her I was on my way to work and kept walking ( I can barely talk while crying).
Since then I didn’t go out again in, my grandma told me I was lazy and I just took it because I dont want to go out and that’s it.
Today I’ve decided the pay isn’t enough to keep me working, I made my bags and told the supervisor that I was going back to the city to prepare for college. My grandpa just took me to the station and I’m now on a train on my way home.
Being at home alone so much was bad for my mental health and I started to feel very depressed, not to talk of the fear of going outside. So I feel I took a good decision for myself.
TLDR: I hate the village I work at, I was insulted on the street and the fear of going outside it caused was bad for my mental health. So I just upped and left.
I’m sorry if it’s too long or badly formatted.
I put up emotional barriers between me and others. I can’t break past these barriers. Yes, I’ve done it once or twice with negative responses, increasing the strength of these barriers. I’ve heard all of the “take a leap of faith” or “you just gotta say when you need help,” but that advice sure as hell didn’t help before. I don’t know what my options are anymore.
Honestly my life seems pretty nice — coming from a generally supportive and loving family, going to a prestigious university, doing rather well in life without much to worry about. I feel like I shouldn’t be complaining about anything.
However, I don’t know since when I’ve been feeling as though life is purposeless. I can’t pinpoint exactly what’s wrong, but I’ve been consumed by a sense of extreme emptiness. I am lacking the passion to really pursue any hobbies, and I find it hard to make lasting connections with people. It bothers me quite a bit — is it natural for life to be meaningless and relationships to be superficial or is there something fundamentally wrong with my personality. Perhaps I’m just too apathetic?
I don’t really care if I die, and I secretly want to end my life so I can stop feeling bad all the time, but a sense of guilt is keeping me alive. My parents invested and sacrificed so much to make me who I am today. I pretend to joke about suicide sometimes and they always get offended when I talk about my death. I know that my death would devastate them and they can’t even think of that as a possibility.
I’m going to college soon. I’m excited for things to get better but I know they’ll probably not. Life feels like a sinking ship and I want out 🙂
I had a very strong and terrible nightmare about 7 years ago. I can remember it badly but I know that my mother made an old Russian prayer on or for me with a candle over my head and I should paint the head of the figure and then tear it. In this dream was a green black and very tall Figur with big yellow eyes (like from the cat of Alice in Wonderland)(the Body was like the body of Babadook (movie)). After a few days, I was fine again but from this moment the Horros has taken its course.
In the beginning, it was just mild dizziness, just like that. but then over time it got stronger and stronger. Then I started to see this figure again. I do not see it directly but in the corner of my eye or I feel it behind me.
For about a year, this “dizziness” has become so strong that I get tremble, cramping, breathe badly and forget for a short time where I am what I wanted to do and in the last 5 months it has already happened I forget who I am.
In addition, I can not see anything during the dizziness. Although that is not quite right. I see a ,,different world,,. There is everything black but with a hint of gray. I see some figures or shapes. I do not know what I’m seeing, but it scares me for no reason. And when I have that feeling again what I had when I had this nightmare. Only next to when I feel all the things until this dizziness stops because thereafter I feel nothing not even myself. When everything is over, I feel like I’ve come into my body as if I’ve been away for a while. In addition, I almost only have that when I am alone at home.
I know that sounds stupid but I am afraid that I have such a strong ,,attack,, at some point that I do not know who I am and that forever or worse. Like when I have Woman and Kids or something like that.
I already know.
I said I’d go to work today. I didn’t.
I said I’d do my taxes today. I didn’t.
I said I’d wash the dishes today. I didn’t.
I said I’d pay my friends back today. I didn’t.
I sat in my bed and played fucking computer games. I’m such a piece of shit excuse for a human. Fuck.
Sorry. Had to rant to get it out of my system.
I am posting this purely for those who may be concerned about weight gain caused by antipsychotics.
I gained about 15kg since I went on risperidone last year. I didn’t realise it was the risperidone at first, until I started to put the pieces together… “Weight gain” is listed as a common side-effect in the brochure; appetite increase and slowed metabolism are listed online; nearly EVERYONE on online forums who were on risperidone said they gained noticeable weight (some gained up to 30kg); on the days I forgot to take my risperidone, I would barely feel hungry the next day, consistently, and so I would eat normally (and, of course, the day after I DID take it, I would pig out and experience overwhelming cravings all day). It made sense. This drug is what made me compulsively overeat. That’s what made me gain weight. It was bad enough that I hated my body before this – the weight gain just tipped me overboard. I was so miserable. I honestly didn’t even know why I was on an antipsychotic in the first place. No one had ever given me an explanation.
When I visited a psychiatrist a few months ago, I told her I wanted to taper off the risperidone. She asked why, and I said, “Well, I gained 15kg in the last year-” and she abruptly cut me off, saying, “Risperidone would NEVER make you gain weight. At most, in a worst case scenario, you would gain 1kg.” So I asked her why I’m on risperidone anyway, and I swear to you, she said, “I don’t know, obviously someone wanted you to be on it for a reason.” Umm… so not only am I never told that reason by anyone, she also doesn’t bother to look through my file and find out?? Okay. That’s besides the point, though. I started secretly reducing my dose anyway, going down to 1mg.
The last psychiatrist I saw was MUCH better. After my evaluation he said, “I’m not prescribing you risperidone this month, you really don’t need it.” Yessssss, finally. So now I am down to 0.25mg, and guess what? I’ve already lost 6kg and I’m slowly losing more every week. My appetite isn’t like an untamed tiger anymore. I actually feel full now. I am no longer obsessing over consuming whatever junk I can find and stuffing my face even when I am not hungry. It’s a relief.
This is just one of the benefits I have experienced from tapering off. I am starting to feel much happier, clear-minded and energetic without it.
Obviously I am not advocating stopping a medication you NEED to be on just so you don’t gain weight. Your mental health is always more important than what your body looks like. And trust me, I am not trying to scare you – you probably wouldn’t gain as much as I did, anyway (as I already had a predisposition towards overindulgence and putting on weight very easily). However, if you do already have deeply ingrained body image issues and a sincere fear of gaining weight, do bear my and others’ experiences in mind when you are discussing with your doctor whether to go on an antipsychotic. I know very well that for people with these problems, weight gain can make them feel even more horrible. You just gotta do what’s best for you, whether that be taking the medication and dealing with the side-effects, or not taking it and finding something else that works for you. Personally, though, if I had known beforehand that it would make me so miserable with myself, or that I didn’t actually need it at all, I would’ve come off it much sooner.